a brilliant piece

ok well heres my critique. firstly i will say which bit i'm critiquing by quoting, eg the first bit will prob be just "green eyes... they stare" if you follow me. it makes it easier

"green eyes... you hair"

i dont like this repetition i'm afraid. maybe if it was triple it would flow better like

green eyes
green eyes
green eyes stare
brown
brown
brown is the dirt in your hair

"a simple smile... without a trace"

the word trace seems like its very forced, like youve sat down and thought "what rhymes with face?" which is actually what i do, but certain rhymes sound better than others and theres no reason why, and maybe its just my opinion, but the word place fits better. also sorrow is too obvious a word for sadness. perhaps melancholy is a bit different (particularly as its more often used as an adjective. so my suggestion is something like

a simple smile
a plain little face
melancholy leaves
joy takes its place

"no strength have i... fountains"

the fountains mountains rhyme is very obvious and rushed sort of. like thats just the first thing you thought of. the faith mountain moving thing is actually a religious reference to mohammed, so why not use another one with slightly better rhyming opportunities? like faith to calm a storm or walk on water. (if you're not a christian, it wasn't just jesus who walked on water, peter did too, but his faith wasnt strong enough and he sank)

"when i think of you... die!"

all i can say is perhaps change the "they" to "I" it might seem a bit more heartfelt

"a toad... very wrong"

ok the toad metaphor might mean something to you, or the characters in the story, but i personally dont understand it. the same goes for the little old cripple. i have nothing bad to say about this section, the rhyming is all nice and neat, except that it seems quite random, i mean if i had written this poem i would get rid of it, sorry to be mean. unless it has specific meaning to you which i cant get and im just being thick!

this bit is just about the rest

the block of wood analogy isnt quite accurate, but i like hwere it goes to the peg prop thing. i like the idea, and i quite like the rhyme even tho many would disagree. change line 2 of this section and line 4. it will take time maybe but blocks of wood dont feel an awful lot (i cant think of an example sorry) like i said i like the prop leg thing! as in i really like it.

the last stanza came as a shock because i was reading it thinking it was a woman writing to a man. but i like it, its a nice ending, but its not particularly strong, and sometimes you eally need to make your first and last stanzas strong.

hope this helps. this isnt my fave piece from your gallery but the sentiments are nice and there are some nice metaphors and concepts

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Did I leave good honest critique? How about returning the favour... My gallery

Thank you! Most of the metaphors are only to be understood if you know the story it comes from (keep your eyes peeled for a book called The Rebel Princess by Griselda Banks lol), so you're not being thick, and this is basically just a stupid fan poem of my own story. Oh well...
But I'll edit it accordingly, though I'm not taking out all the stuff about toads and cripples. I guess it DOES strike a chord in me, seeing how I made it up XP I'll explain. This is the same story as Bonded to the Grave; this poem happens after that one, and thus it's a different man. The toad is indicating the woman, 'cause she's never thought of herself as pretty or exceptional in any way. But her lover/husband guy from Bonded to the Grave told her, and I quote: "You're more beautiful than the full moon, but even if you resembled a toad, I would still love you." And the man in this poem had heard the woman's husband calling her "My Little Toad," and figured it must have some sort of sentimental meaning to her because of that, and that's why he uses it to describe her.
The whole thing about cripples and peg legs and all that has to do with the part in the story where the second man proposes to the woman. He says that the first man was like her leg, and now that he's dead, it's like her leg was cut off and now she's a cripple. But he loves her and pities her so much, that he begs her to take him and use him as a peg leg, to prop her up and help her along. And I must say that I really like that; that was the only thing that made me think her second marriage was any good at all.
So anyway, that was a long explanation, and I doubt you care all that much, but just in case...
I thank you again, and I'll have the changed version up shortly!

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Baby's on the half-tip.
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I believe in Jesus Christ as my Savior. If you do too and aren't scared to admit it, then copy and paste this in your signature.
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Anti-feminist: Why fight for a cause that's already been won?

no thats great! dont listen to my advice, and certainly dont take it if you dont want to. i just hope it inspires you to change something and get something better!

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Did I leave good honest critique? How about returning the favour... My gallery